Young Writers Society

i would recommend trying to state your feelings in a less conversational tone. most of the poem was unnecessary and redundant.

I would delete the third and fourth stanzas altogether because they seem to be a plethora. An excess. Extraneous. For some reason they don't appeal to me because there aren't any poetic elements in at all and they sound drab.

Also, try to make the last stanza more powerful. It seems like the first stanza but with a few word arrangements. Boring (no offense). The last stanza has potential to be the best. Just try to find a better way to put your words.

Else than that I like the rest of the poem, especially the "paint it" part. Good job for trying.
:]

Sorry for sounding so harsh,
- Summerless <3~

Hmm... It's somehow hard to give any reviews for this, but I'll try my best.

You could delete that "right?" completely, it just is there, sitting in the corner and kinda has nothing to do with the rest of the words. This would work better without it. Right?

I liked the words "spin me a tale".

Summary: Delete the R word and you'll have a great poem.

Serj Tankian=Amazing. Now i agree with Suzanne here line 'Right' didn't add anything. It does seem to have a more lyrical quality to this. Won't lie it was a really good try (that rhymed lmao). You just need to make us relate to this, try using some imagery to show us this.

Overall: Kudos on trying maybe, trying reading more poetry before you do something like this again. It'll help in the long run.

Good luck
VSN

Oh, Serj Tankian is great. ^^

As to this, is it meant to be poetry, or lyrics? As poetry, it isn't the best. You repeat the line "right?" which doesn't do anything for the poem, and your main idea is lost in what you are saying. This comes off a lot more like lyrics than an actual poem...


If you are trying to make it a poem, I am not sure what I can suggest you do with it. Perhaps first consider that your speaker talks about a "you". Are you writing this poem for that person, or for anyone to read? A poem needs to make the reader feel or think, it needs to inspire something in the reader. This... Again all I can say is that this is a lot more like lyrics than poetry. It doesn't have any poetic elements to it, other than the spider web, which is easy enough to do and perhaps too simple and cliché, even. I suggest you read some poetry to get an idea of what poetry is made of, the metaphors, the imagery, the sound devices, and so forth.

You know what this poem made me want to do? Slap my boyfriend for every time he's lied to me! I love how you portrayed it as sinful for the liar to tell you the truth in the following stanza:

I'll ask you a question,
Ask for a yes or no.
And you'll say neither
'Cos it's sinful to answer my questions,
Right?

My favorite! ^^

"Okay, you say,
We will give you the truth.
They tell me it and I tell them to stop
'Cos I don't really want to hear the truth,
Right?"

The above stanza confused me a little, though. Who is they? And what are they telling you? Other than that, I just noticed a few places where punctuation would have made the story a little more easy to understand. Great job! I love it!